My testimony (Part 2)
(As written November 2010)
Before Jonathan was born I longed for a little brother or sister and every time I went to bed Mom always used to pray with me that God would give me a brother or sister. One of my earliest memories was of Jonathan coming home from the hospital after he was born. I was absolutely awestruck by the tiniest little curled up fists, small feet and even smaller toes and his cute little face. I remember touching and stroking his little baby hand and I remember Mom saying "Careful Jessica, make sure you touch him gently". I also know that Jonathan was almost named Calvin but the name Jonathan was decided because it was our prayer that we would become the best of friends just like Jonathan and David in the bible.
So what has this got to do with me and my testimony of God's gift of salvation? Well in a sense being born, life and what happened after my life was over was one of my biggest questions as a young girl and I took it so seriously that I was extremely scared of what would happen if I were to die to the point that I was scared of God because I knew he was righteous and just; in other words I was scared of God's wrath if I didn't learn how to love Jesus. I felt a heavy and deep sense of, what I now looking back realise, was feeling separated from God every time I tried to pray to Him at night.
The fact that people are born was something that I was made very aware of every time one of my siblings came to join our family but I wasn't quite sure how I could be born again. I tried to make myself do it on my own but I never really meant it when I prayed. I wanted to love God only as a way to heaven and not really because I was sorry for my sins. And so that feeling of God's righteous presence seemed to bug me and follow my thoughts whatever I did wherever I went.
Finally, when I was about nine or nearly nine, I just sobbed my heart out and said sorry to God for all my sins. He gave me a peace I had never felt before, a peace that I had always longed for, a peace that was now mine. I had expected to have to 'do something' or that I would somehow 'earn' salvation by learning how to come to be 'favoured' by God because before I always had felt a distance to God as if I was somehow 'rejected' or 'not favoured' by Him. But when finally all I wanted as my primary purpose was to please and glorify God (rather than go to heaven), when I truly wanted God forgiveness and was truly ashamed of my sin I realized that salvation was a gift and that I was adopted and born again into God's family.
A verse that I have loved for years since I discovered it at about the age of twelve has always been this one:
11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
he will gather the lambs in his arms;
he will carry them in his bosom,
and gently lead those that are with young.
I now look back at those unusual years and realise that God was with me in a very special way and used my circumstances to strengthen my faith. I am really thankful that God saved me at an early age and that He has drawn me closer to Him over the years.
One of my favourite bible verses, which I learned when I received a cover for my Reformation Study Bible for my fourteenth birthday, is Jeremiah 29:10-14 (ESV):
10"For thus says the LORD: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfil to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.
This verse in Jeremiah really spoke to me at the time as I was going through a hard place in my faith at that stage of my life. It's one that God has used over and over again to remind me that He always has a purpose for me whatever the circumstances and wherever I am and that God sometimes chooses to lead me through a ‘furnace’ to come out with a stronger faith…
6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
9And I will put this third into the fire,
and refine them as one refines silver,
and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
and I will answer them.
I will say, 'They are my people';
and they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'"
Yes, God has promised me that I am truly His for all eternity, and so I am extremely grateful to God for what He has done in my life and for staying by me to be my comforter and to make a way for me to follow. And so today this is my song:
How Awesome Are Your Deeds
To the choirmaster. A Song. A Psalm.
1 Shout for joy to God, all the earth;
2sing the glory of his name;
give to him glorious praise!
3Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power that your enemies come cringing to you.
4 All the earth worships you
and sings praises to you;
they sing praises to your name."
Selah
5 Come and see what God has done:
he is awesome in his deeds toward the children of man.
6He turned the sea into dry land;
they passed through the river on foot.
There did we rejoice in him,
7who rules by his might forever,
whose eyes keep watch on the nations—
let not the rebellious exalt themselves.
Selah
8Bless our God, O peoples;
let the sound of his praise be heard,
9who has kept our soul among the living
and has not let our feet slip.
10For you, O God, have tested us;
you have tried us as silver is tried.
11You brought us into the net;
you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
12you let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water;
yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.
13I will come into your house with burnt offerings;
I will perform my vows to you,
14that which my lips uttered
and my mouth promised when I was in trouble.
15I will offer to you burnt offerings of fattened animals,
with the smoke of the sacrifice of rams;
I will make an offering of bulls and goats.
Selah
16 Come and hear, all you who fear God,
and I will tell what he has done for my soul.
17I cried to him with my mouth,
and high praise was on my tongue.
18If I had cherished iniquity in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
19But truly God has listened;
he has attended to the voice of my prayer.
20Blessed be God,
because he has not rejected my prayer
or removed his steadfast love from me!
Yes, God did not turn His face away but He answered my prayers, I have found the way to be born again, He has adopted me as own child, I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made and His hands that clasp my life in His tender care will never ever let me go for all eternity!
P.S. What about Jonathan?
Yes, we have become the really good friends like Jonathan and David in the bible. (Although I feel it is important to note that I am good friends with all my siblings.) Recently God has also made this friendship more special as Jonathan came to the Lord just a few years ago so we can now fellowship together not only as brother and sister, but brother and sister in Christ! We often pray together before we go to bed. You can read his testimony at http://profound-grace.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html and watch it at http://profound-grace.blogspot.com/2010_03_01_archive.html
My Testimony (Part 1)
(The Testimony of Jessica-Helen Grace Murray at the time of her Baptism, July 2006)
See link to My Testimony (Part 1 - As written July 2006) as soon as I add it when I have finished typing it up.
